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I found these images and the following "story" attached to it on the internet today. The artist is Wei Ning, the piece titled "Phoenix I". He writes:
"In The Classic of Mountains and Seas, Phoenixes have two genders – Feng the feminine and Huang the masculine. But only the feminine side prevails in later Chinese legends. An empress in no exception embodies Feng Huang, celestial bird of the high heaven.
We are talking about a grand bird of five-colored feathers that manifests peace, mercy and kindness. And when present it is said the magnificent beings always glow with the sheen of sunshine - an auspicious sight few has the luck to see. Almost as hard to get a glimpse of are their earthly embodiments. Chinese empresses often waste their lives in the shadow of forbidden walls.
This (referring to the illustration) is a story of reminiscence. On that day, the emperor wedded a woman and made her a phoenix. Truly phoenix she was. Her crown was one of purest gold topped by a finely made phoenix of the most precious of precious stones. Her garment was elaborate, embroidered with gold, silver and five-colored threads that it shone the iridescence of a phoenix. So she was dressed and led to the throne. An auspicious day it was in the empire. The old prisoners were pardoned. A new prisoner was caged. The lady of that day would recall."
I'm in awe of this, as I completely identify with this. Not to say that I'm an empress or anything, but for a while, looking back now, I was "wasting my life in the shadow of forbidden walls." His description of a phoenix, "a grand bird of five-colored feathers that manifests peace, mercy and kindness" are qualities that I hold in high regard. And this is kind of cheesy, but now I feel like Luis is my emperor, as he has and continues to enable me to be me, and provide me with so much love and support in everything that I do. Having that, without having to compromise my values and beliefs and still being a completely independent mind and being, only further strengthens me and allows me to continue my journey of self-discovery.
This next illustration, by the same artist is titled "Phoenix II."
"Three thousand hairs are three thousand karmas. In the far kingdom of east, a lady never cuts her hair which is a present to her birth. And when she does, it is a reborn."
It's crazy how much this exemplifies my "rebirths," as I have completely chopped (SHORT!) my long hair 3 times in my life, 2 of the times being right after I graduated from both high school and college. Both of my graduation pictures with cap and gown I have long, long hair. And graduation is surely a "rite of passage", hence the symbolism I am finding with this. The third time I cut my hair was about 4 months after I separated. I have since kept my hair short for the past 2 years, and only now am starting to grow it out again.
It's amazing to be able to identify with something that is so ancient, such as a mystical figure and the legend behind it. Especially one that is culturally driven, although I am not Chinese, I am most surely rooted in the Far East. How is it that something so ancient and historical can tie so directly in with my life experiences and perspectives? I have a phoenix tattooed on my back, and interestingly enough I got it BEFORE I truly understood its symbolism. And I am just now finding more literature about the phoenix, and to find something like this just blows me away. But it makes me so happy, like that feeling when everything falls into place, because there somehow now is more meaning and significance to my actions (specifically with cutting my hair) in my past. And also to feel that the love of my life is enabling me to continue to grow - I know all too well now what it feels like to be held back, and to be in a relationship where I'm being encouraged to learn and grow, what more can I ask for.
I went to my first yoga class my freshman year in college (that was over 10 years ago, wow...) but never fully understood the purpose of it. I took the class for extra units, so I didn't go into the class with the perspective of wanting to do yoga for "me" rather, I was fulfilling units and I was possibly getting some exercise. The impression I got from the class was that it was just a bunch of meditating and fixing your body in interesting positions that supposedly strengthened your body. I understood the meditation part, however, back then I didn't really understand "how" to meditate, or focus on myself, much less how putting my body in interesting positions would aid in meditation.
I revisted yoga after I graduated, as a friend started taking classes and encouraged me to go. I learned that there are many different branches of yoga (hatha, iyengar, kundalini, vinyasa, etc.), each focusing on a different aspect such as breathing or positional alignment, for example. I feel fortunate my friend encouraged me to take an iyengar yoga class, which stresses positional alignment which in turn is supposed to aid in internal, as well as external, physical health. My instructor amazed me. She had had both of her hips replaced along with long-term back pain she had been dealing with all her life, so after getting fed up with western medicine, turned to yoga for therapy. She told us her story of how much yoga has changed her life and how she now experiences much less pain then she ever has before. I then began to appreciate yoga for its holistic benefits. I have always been interested in the spiritual aspect, but since I still didn't quite understand "myself" at the time, I didn't really understand what spirituality meant to me. Over the next year, I only began to understand.
Being someone who used to be a "gym rat," the physical aspect of yoga has always been appealing to me. It still does appeal to me, but I understand more now how physical fitness, along with meditation, helps to balance your mind. I have always been active, since I was very young, and naturally could pick up new activities. I also am rather flexible, so when I decided to revisit yoga, I felt that it would be easy to pick up again. I didn't realize how difficult a time I would actually have, and how frustrated I would get initially. We would do single poses, three times consecutively, and our instructor would come around and correct our positioning, constantly reminding us which muscles needed to be flexed all the while others are lengthening and limbs rotating or pointing in certain directions. I would always try to get into the pose as deeply as possible, using my flexibility to get me "there," however I would always find myself being corrected by my instructor, with her reminding me to not rely on my flexibility and to focus more on the parts of my body and what they should be doing in the pose. She even made an example of me in class one day, pointing out to everyone that although it seems that I have an advantage with natural flexibility, I face different challenges in that I must be more aware of my positioning in order for the pose to reap its full benefits, with regards to the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects. I didn't understand at first, but the more my instructor reminded me and corrected me, the more I began to feel the poses and began concentrating more with my mind. The concentration aspect is meditation, where in order to focus on staying in a pose, you must clear your mind of your daily thoughts, or any thoughts for that matter, which are distractions from the task at hand. For me, this is still a challenge, as I have only recently come back to practicing yoga.
After practicing iyengar yoga for about a year, I ended up quitting (mainly because of scheduling issues) and now, three years later, have finally come back to practicing on a regular basis. My reasons for coming back center mainly around calming down my mind and to start somewhere with taking care of my physical being, since I don't necessarily eat well and still smoke. I also feel I have so many more things I worry about these days, and after getting back to practicing yoga on a regular basis I can only now appreciate the mind-calming effects I am only beginning to experience. I've come back to practicing vinyasa yoga, better known as power yoga or flow yoga, in which you flow from pose to pose in a sort of routine the instructor continually guides you through in class. I definitely can appreciate that I've had experience in iyengar yoga, as flow yoga doesn't necessarily focus on exact positioning, but since I have an idea of what the poses should feel like with regards to iyengar philosphy, I feel I can focus more on the flow and centering my mind while somewhat knowing I am also benefiting physically with appropriate alignment and positioning. And then just a few weeks ago, I experienced this amazing feeling while I was in triangle pose (pictured above); I just felt relaxation in my mind, with no thoughts but the feelings of calm I was experiencing and with amazement that I felt completely solid in the pose. And that's when everything clicked. That moment of serenity is something I have been continually working towards, and still continually work towards in my practice, when my mind is free from distractions and the calm only adds to my strength. That realization ties directly to my thoughts of daily life and how we are continually striving towards having those moments when everything falls into place. Clearing your mind of distractions allows you to focus and see something (whether it be getting into a yoga pose or troubleshooting a daily life problem) more clearly, allowing you to do the necessary work to resolve it calmly and efficiently, which then can restore a sense of harmony and peace within you. It's an amazing feeling, yet I know this is only the beginning.
My current instructor is different than my last in that he remains separate from everyone rather than creating personal relationships with his students like my last instructor did; I never see him socializing with anyone in class as he is always just standing around quietly until class starts. Now that I'm beginning to understand that yoga is a personal practice, something I do completely for myself, I can appreciate that my instructor remains solely in that role as instructor and guide, as being devoid of a personal relationship with the person who is acting as a guide on your journey allows you to completely focus on yourself and figure out what works for you. You are given the tools, but you must figure out how to use them yourself and learn the lessons yourself, without comparing yourself to anyone but yourself. In looking back at my past yoga instructor, I appreciate my experience with her and her teachings, however, my ego would always be fed whenever she would ask me to demonstrate a pose and the class would marvel at my flexibility. My current instructor always reminds us that the fastest way to disrespect yourself is to compare yourself to others around the room. You are a unique individual and everyone has a different way of doing the same pose. This is somewhat difficult for me, considering growing up I was a competitive ice skater and all I did was compare myself to my fellow skaters. However, I realize this is an important lesson I must learn to begin to understand myself completely; it really doesn't matter what the person next to you is doing, what matters is what you're doing and if it works for you, so just focus on you. Geez, does this apply to so many things in life. He also draws parallels like falling out of a pose and falling down in life: you just get back up, without being discouraged, and keep going. I appreciate that he draws upon the experiences we have in yoga as life lessons, because they really can be applied in life. Continual work for continual progress and growth, which feeds my mental and physical health, and spirituality-understanding myself allows me to better understand life, the world and my role in it.
And now continues the work, the practice, even though I have already experienced those moments in yoga and in my life, this is only the beginning of work that never ends, but becomes more enjoyable and free-flowing as I continue my yoga practice, my life practice. I will write more as my experience with yoga progresses...
